wedding_web Having a father is having guilt. When your father wants more than you can give. Sometimes to be me feels like everyone needs so much and I should be giving everyone so much more. The language of guilt. I try to silence it. I try to be happy.

Being happy means doing stuff that I feel I shouldn‘t be doing. Like going to Starbucks. I feel I cannot find the right balance between indulging and giving. I seem to need to escape too much in search of a feeling called happiness.

There are days when I seem to get the balance right. Today felt off. It felt like I was nowhere I was needed. Or if I was not needed what am I here to do. I felt judged. Maybe mainly by my own expectations.

I felt a bit nostalgic. I felt strange. Unreal. Off.

So in control. So out of control. So passionate and so dampened.


My new writing habit has emerged from a place of freedom. I was always fascinated by people who engage in activities that are risky. A man like Alex Honnold faces death if he fails at solo climbing El Cap, a man like Jake Blauvelt faces death if an avalanche hits him in one of the convex slopes that he snowboards down on. So writing or being interviewed seems like a very safe thing to do.

What if I fail? What if nobody reads what I write? What if the grammar is not correct? Nothing at all will happen. So the risk is almost zero. What are the benefits?

I think that writing is a good habit to develop. I think it is a way to reach out to like-minded people and to create a community. Putting thoughts out there is a way of free and unharnessed expression.

We may feel that parts of our lives are not free. Parts of our lives are trapped by the necessities of our children, our spouse, our other relationships, work and other commitments. Writing however is a space where thoughts can flow. The feeling of flow is a spacious feeling of freedom.

I really enjoy listening to interviews with people that have developed flow in their lives. I used to work with this kind of trust in myself (gut feeling). I used to use this to develop my art which was not meant to be pretty and controlled. It was just the way it was. Uncontrolled and coming from a place within the I trusted and that I did not need to censor.

So by writing a blog I think I might try to develop this state again. The state of trusting that the work takes shape if you let it. If you adhere to the habit of letting something flow you will see what develops from this habit.

About a year ago I listened to a podcast about mindfulness. The interview was with Michael Gervais and a person who worked st Google and wrote the book „Search Inside Yourself“, called Meng. Click on the link for the full interview.

I remember clearly that Meng said that to become happy you should notice tiny things that bring a subtle joy to you. He gave the example of drinking a glass of water. If you notice the joy in such an everyday action this moment can be amplified. By practicing this you can find incredible joy in the most trivial things that happen.

This thought has remained with me and I have noticed the joy in everyday moments has grown. The things that have brought me great joy: seeing people wearing lovely colors, seeing the guy at the Starbucks having the most beautiful tattoo, embracing my daughter, hearing my toddler say „Ich liebe du“.

I think it is strange how intense the feeling of joy can become once practiced.

I sometimes see women who are hard-faced. Their mouths are tight snd they look strict and unhappy.

Sometimes this was the way I felt too. I became aware of feeling too stern and serious during yoga practice.

My Pilates teacher told me to be kind to my body. He said that this was something I wasn‘t too good at. Being good to it means listening to it. When it is tired it wants sleep.

But to be kind to yourself I also found out that it does not help to be too hard on others either. Smiling at your neighbour in yoga class, feeling a sense of inclusion towards everyone, being kind even in the face of children‘s tantrums. These are examples of behaviour that I would call soft.

When I am angry at someone I see that what makes me angry is one side of the person that I also have in my own character.

Examples: not being a good listener. Being judgemental. Giving opinions. Not seeing the best in others.

Being kind to myself means being kind to others.

Seeing the beauty in others gives me a soft and warm feeling.

I read on Gretchen Rubin‘s website that people can think about their rules that they live by.

I already had similar thoughts prior to her asking what my Ten Commandments would be.

I wanted to write down findings such as that I should not eat the protein bar in the fitness studio because it makes me feel sick, or that I should try to be vegan, that I should avoid gluten and that I should not listen to my headphones while crossing a street. Another one: not using my phone in the yoga studio, not using my phone in the bedroom at night.

My own twelve commandments:
A) be empty (find a void) then when your energy returns go where you feel most alive.
B) mornings are the time for you to get ready and journal and do your stuff ALONE.
C) sometimes saying nothing is best. Avoid noise.
D) you are often an addict. Check if you are drawn to something via fear. Then don‘t. You are more than your fear. It shall pass.
E) say no when your intuition says no.
F) resist the urge to please. Especially one particular person who triggers you.
G) don‘t try to be right & don‘t give advice.
H) practice gratitude, see the beauty in the smallest things.
I) be kind which means doing stuff to make you like yourself. Don‘t feel like a hard person. Feel soft and kind. And funny. And wise.
J) when things seem difficult break them into doable portions or delegate.
K) don‘t be fooled by charlatans and doctors.
L) we are all similar – don‘t judge – you never walked in their shoes.